Alone

When I was little I, like most little girls, dreamed of finding my own Prince Charming.  I waited, since like I just mentioned, I was a little girl and had time to kill.  When I became a teenager, I again thought of my true love coming to sweep me off of my feet.  There were some possibilities, but not the ones I wanted.  Okay, so I was a little picky back then.

 

College came and the guy I thought was Prince Charming took a left at Sunset Drive and found someone else to live “happily ever after” with.  I was crushed and my heart was held captive for many years thereafter.  I cried, ate Haagen-Dazs, cried some more, ate some more and eventually I needed to move on.

 

What happened?  How did “Mr. Right” became “Mr. Wrong” and all I ever encountered was “Mr. He Will Have to Do”?  I was supposed to be married and have a boatload (okay 1-2 ) of kids by now.  It never materialized and I was all alone.  I was sold a fantasy and bought it (I was always so gullible) hook, line and sinker.

 

Did I close my heart to any potential loves?  Was I unworthy?  Was I doomed to be alone? Yes, no and unfortunately, yes were the answers.  I did not take the news very well (went for more Haagen-Dazs) and I wanted to start over. But we just do not always get that chance.

 

Why are some of us all alone?  We deserve love just like everyone else, but this alludes us.  I have spent too much time pondering this.  I wasted too much time was more like it.  They say love finds you not the other way around.  Maybe it lost my address (I have moved quite a bit).  However, for whatever reason, I needed to accept it.

 

I became angry.  I felt I was sold a bill of goods that could not deliver.  I wanted this, or so I thought.  Maybe there was a part of me that prevented me from finding him.  Relationships are never easy.  There is a lot of give and take and it all revolves around trusting one another.  Ah, there was the rub!  I have big issues with trust.  I have never fully been able to allow someone all of the way in.  Add trusting them to the mix and I just could not do it.  I set myself up; thus turning away happiness and love.  I created my punishment and now I had to live with it.  It did take a lot of time to adjust to this reality.  I had to wade through my anger (at myself), for the waters were deep.  I suffered the consequences of this decision.  There have been many nights in which I wanted or needed someone there.  My married friends could not fully understand where I was coming from.  Being alone felt like a life sentence with no option for parole or for change to exist.

 

Holidays came and went with nowhere to go and no one to see.  My arms never held my own child, but lovingly cradled my nieces and nephew and my friends bundles of joy.  They ached for my own child, but that was never going to happen due to other reasons unfortunately.

 

Now, at a much older age, the pang of being alone is much worse.  I stand out because I have no one.  My phone never rings, no one knocks at my door (unless you can count delivery people and then you have to tip them on top of it) and I have to go through everything all alone.  No one holds my hand during rough times or hugs me when I need it the most.  This can make one feel so empty at times and question their purpose.  It’s a pain I cannot take medication for nor will it ever cease to end.  This I chose.

 

All I needed to do was let go of my fears and let someone in.  Open your eyes and see what is in front of you.  Live in the moment and accept it.  Love comes in all sizes and shapes.  The fairytale only gives us a glimpse of Prince Charming.  Unlike the fairytale, he does not arrive on a horse and we should not put him on a pedestal.  That is a complete setup and gives us the opportunity to bail, not stay and see how the story plays out.  It is up to us to recognize him when he comes.  It may surprise you who it turns out to be, but whomever he is, accept him flaws and all.  Open up your heart and take a leap of faith.  I choked and could not do that, so now I live the aftermath of that choice.  I cannot undo it, but I can offer this advice to others hoping they do not make the wrong choice.

 

After all, I came into this world alone, by my choice I lived through it alone and I will leave it alone.  The thing is we were never meant or made to live alone.

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