The older I get I tend to notice odd things.  Okay, I have always noticed odd things, but that is beside the point.  One of my observations (I like to call them Jenisms, since I did come up with the theory after all), is the Big Purse Theory.

Allow me to expound on this.  First of all, most little girls (and in this ever politically correct time in history, some little boys may have experienced this too), have played dress up.  They would put on mom’s jewelry (pearls by the way always makes a nice statement), make-up, shoes (don’t even get me started on shoes…oy) and clothes.  Of course, the most essential accessory to this is the purse.  The purse, after all, has to complement the outfit.

You would have loved to use your mom’s purse, but who could lift it?  Thus I have come to the conclusion that the older women get, the bigger the purse becomes.

As a teenager, you carry a purse, but let’s face it; you do not have too much to put in it.  Lip gloss, a little money, and a cell phone are the usual contents.  When you go to college, you may get a little larger purse, but not that big.  You may have an appointment book to put in there (to schedule all of the college parties to attend), a few more dollars (thanks mom and dad), your cell phone, a compact and possibly a condom (for the “just in case” scenarios).  I am not advocating this, but then again it is best to be prepared should the situation arise.

After college comes a career, and no, pizza delivery does not count.  You now have an itinerary to follow on this new journey.  You do remember that word right?  You learned it in college and it costs your parents $40,000.  Why not take advantage of that newfound wisdom?  Again the purse grows a little bigger, you toss in keys for that new car you need for that new career, more makeup to look like the enterprising career gal you are, an appointment book or maybe an I-pad and other such necessities (wink wink).  Remember it’s a dog eat dog world out there and who am I to judge what tools you implement when you decide to become a successful career woman.  I am not your mother.  Besides, this is your life.

Until now your purses have been small and meager.  You really do not have much to put in them until the day you, yourself, become a mother.  Yes, this is when the nurturing mother lode kicks in.  There is an unwritten law that all mothers have to follow.  They can never leave the house unless they are adequately and sufficiently prepared.  I mean they have to take everything imaginable into account, the unforeseeable, and be ready to react to it.  No little purse is going to fulfill this need.

Oh no, you need a purse that is so big, you are hunched over and leaning to one side just to carry it.  You are prepared for everything.  I have not seen a mother yet who fails to be prepared.  You need a diaper, she has one.  Forgot your lunch?  She has food.  How about a hammer?  You betcha.  She has everything.

Another benefit of the big purse is it becomes a weapon if ever she needs to protect her kids or herself.  This baby is better than a can of whoop-ass.  She swings this bag at you and you are down for the count.  So would be robbers, pickpockets, and assailants beware:  Momma’s gonna knock you out!  I believe the court of law reads this as self-defense.  Never mess with a mother.  You will lose every time.

And mothers, wear this bag like a badge of courage.  You are strong, taking care of your loved ones, fighting crime, and able to bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan (great now I am hungry…quick where’s my purse?).  Everyone should be a Super-hero like a mom.  I even carry a big purse to throw people off.  It works. Trust me.  This is the most important accessory a mother should have.  Just make sure it matches your outfit and you will be just fine.

Have big purse-will travel.  Contents are not included at time of original purchase…and are at a mother’s discretion.