Weighing Myself Down and Wearing Myself Out

This past year I made a decision to follow through with a goal I set back in January.  It was a weighty decision, but I did it.  Well, I weighed the issue for six months and then I decided to do it is more like it.  I wanted to get a fresh start and lose some of this weight I have accumulated over the years.


My first thought was “Am I crazy?” and then I calmed down and got to work on a plan.  Planning is time-consuming for me so I tried to be brief yet succinct in my decision-making process.  Once I had the plan solidified, I then had to determine where I would do this.  To determine that I had to look at my own comfort level and what would push me to be more aggressive; thus reaching my goal.  Due to my size, I do not like to be around a lot of people.  I am too self-conscious about this.  Another thing I need to consider concerning exercise is that one has to work up a sweat.  By the way, I should mention here it is good to have water nearby in case you become dehydrated, no need to pass out.  I hate sweating.  I sweat just thinking about exercising.  This is the reason I exercise by myself.  Believe me it is not a pretty sight to see someone sweat.  Add to this, I always end up exercising by some Barbie “wanna-be” who gleefully proclaims she never sweats.  Give me a second to loosen my grip around her neck…Me?  I have buckets of sweat pouring off of me and a hose nearby for the water intake (and this would be just for the registration to join a club).  The decision to exercise at home was the right choice for me.


I determined the plan, the place and now, I had to find the necessary tools to make this a success.  My first tool, was finding the product(s) that will help me achieve my objective (which is to lose weight).  I decided to rummage through old exercise videos to help me.  My first thought was, “There are still videos left nowadays?” and my next thought was, “I still have a VCR?”  Well in actuality, I still had some old videos, but no VCR so I was in a pickle (why did I have to mention pickles?  I just love them…focus, focus…).  However, as I looked on Amazon, I did find an old Billy Blanks Tae-Bo DVD and I decided to purchase it.


The next tool I need would be to find the appropriate clothing to wear for this project.  I did not have to worry about making a fashion statement since I was not going to be in a group.  Trust me, I could not pull off a halter top or sports bras and leggings even on a good day.  What do fuller size women wear?  Spandex.  Oh, please!  Here you are trying to overcome a problem and you want to emphasize it more?  That is like going to an overeater’s anonymous meeting and expecting no one to know why you are there.  Realism enters stage left.  Now, I do not want to put myself down (I have family members lined up to do that), but I need to be sensible in my choice of clothes.  I say wear whatever makes you feel the most comfortable.  Contrary to this, just because you love how nice that old prom dress feels and looks, this is not the proper occasion to wear it.  I know you feel bad you spent all of that money on a dress you wore only once and now it hangs forever in your closet.  Be wise in your selection.  My personal choice of exercise clothes is a loose fitting top, preferably a size or two bigger than normal.  One, it provides me “moveability” and second, it already looks larger on me.  When I wear it, I feel a sense of accomplishment (albeit a false sense) that I have lost weight already.  How can I go wrong?


As everything was falling into place, I now had to examine the product I would be using to achieve success.  I watched it, and made some observations about this new miracle wonder.  The Billy “I’m gonna kick some ass” Blanks Tae-Bo DVD.  And let me tell you he really could kick your ass.  In fact he did.  Apparently one guy wasn’t moving quickly enough and Billy blew his lid.  Before you could say Karate Kid 1 or 2, he kicked out his left leg and the guy went flying across the room.  Action adventure videos rock!  What a show-off!  Okay, so the guy took a breather and tried to hit on the lady next to him or was it he hit the lady next to him?   I really do not remember, but for Billy “look at me getting too big for my britches” Blanks to actually take the time to kick a guy when he was down (or was that when he was being turned down?), really takes the cake.  Speaking of cake, would it hurt to have a little refreshment on the side for break-time?  I mean okay, so you are working out to lose that weight, but doesn’t a good workout make you hungry?  It sure does for me.  Actually, I don’t even need the workout to be hungry.  Anyway back to what I was saying.  Once I watched this I was now ready to move forward and start the process.  Well, I would start it the next day.


The next morning I decided to try the DVD out and I jumped out of bed raring to go.  Actually that is not true.  I fell out of bed muttering something under my breath, because the alarm went off so early.  I then realized later, after I stopped muttering, that I had to get up and turn the alarm off.  Someone, no need to mention any names (and since I live alone), moved the alarm to the other side of the room as a motivational tool.  Oh yeah, that worked well.  However, I figured since I was already up, I might as well try this exercise DVD out.  Now I am not one of those overly enthusiastic people who willingly, and possibly naively, embrace exercise as the “be-all end-all” for fitness.  I will never have that love for exercise.  For pasta?  Maybe.   But exercise?   No.   Yet, I am smart enough to realize that I need it.  Well my body needs it (it needs something alright).  So I do a little warm-up before it starts.  Hmm a great cup of coffee is just the thing to take the edge off and get the old heart a pumping.  Sorry, I digress…


Now why is it that everyone in this thing looks great and fit?  Sure, this is giving me added incentive by pitting me against the perfect body!  However, note, being pinned under one of those perfect male bodies was something I could endure for the sake of the cause.  I mean even Richard Simmons throws in a few overweight individuals, is it too much to ask for some realism here?  After we see the “oh so svelte” groupies, then Billy Blanks makes his entrance.  You can sure tell who the star is by the entrance he/she makes.  I always wanted to make an entrance, but it would never work.  One, I live by myself, who am I going to impress?  Second, is my lack of coordination.  I would walk into a room and stumble over dust…then again, that could be an entrance, but steer clear of me for your own safety.  Back to Billy…after the big entrance, he then shows us, the viewer, “the moves”.  It sounds cool doesn’t it?  “The moves”.  He is starting to come off a little self-absorbed now isn’t he?  He acts as if he is imparting pearls of wisdom to us, his loyal viewer.  Before you know it we are punching and jabbing and I can hear the groaning.  Is it my enemies crying out in pain or just me in pain?  It’s one of the two.  I really do not know which.  However, I continue on – foolishly.  I mean faithfully (whatever that means).  Don’t you hate using that word in anything having to do with exercise?  I mean, let’s face it, everyone who says they follow the plan faithfully are the first ones to cheat.  Chew on that will you?


I am starting to get into it and before I know it, Billy jumps eight feet into the air and kicks out his legs!  Now, I do not care if I weighed as little as a celery stick, there is no way I would ever be able to jump that high.  First of all, by the time my brain transmits the message to my feet, the sequence is already over.  Second, again, I am just not coordinated, though one would never guess by looking at me.


However, keep in mind that if you decide to exercise at home, you need to master the art of discretion.  For example, timing is important.  Three a.m. is a little early especially if you live in an apartment complex.  Remember the neighbors could be sleeping and it is not nice to awaken someone at that time with a loud noise.  You could frighten them, and pending on your locale (California for example), one might conclude that there is an earthquake.  There they are searching all over the place for an emergency kit they should have bought for such situations.  I can only take the blame for the noise, not the inability to be prepared for such a crisis.  What I am trying to say is have some consideration for those that live around or near you.  This of course, is null and void if the upstairs neighbor is an arrogant jerk who loves to blast his music at all hours of the day.  Then by all means “sock it” to him.  I have nothing against music.  I love music; it is my life let me tell you.  But frankly, I will not be subjected to Achy Breaky Heart for the umpteenth time by that little country bumpkin Billy Ray Cyrus.  I will go ballistic and I will hunt you down and break that little CD.


Finally, I would like to wish everyone who takes this challenge on, good luck. And remember as summer winds down, and we head into fall, we all know that the holidays are not far behind.  Ah yes, the days in which we enjoy every last bite of all the delicacies that are presented in front of us (or that we sneak when no one is looking).  For me it all begins with Halloween and no, I am not talking about candy here.  I am focused on the creamy variety of soups that are now okay to indulge in again.  Add chili, stews, pot roasts, bread and potatoes, and I am in heaven.  Round all of this off with a slice of apple or pumpkin pie and I am down for the count in a sugar-induced coma.  It all goes downhill from there and before you know it I am living in a mini hibernation for the next four months before I have to start this cycle all over again.  Ah, but all of this exercise torture is well worth it whenever I want to have my cake and eat it too.

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